i'm doing this cause i've been tagged by Ameer Hassaan. grrr.
(you'll pay for this (: )
6 Weird Things About Niszah...
1) i'm mistaken to be an 8 year old despite being 18 by TOO
Many people in my life. (its weird cause 8 yr old dont go to to
junior colleges... i must be pretty smart then. haha (: )
2) i still watch POWER RANGERS even up till today.
Sundays, 10.30am only on KIDS Central!
3) i grew up in an environment filled with boys. so i guess that why
i'm like a boy instead of a girl tt i'm supposed to be. i guess tts why
i'm always dumped haha. (cause i resemble a guy way too much) never like
dolls and never will, been growing up with wrestling and soccer.
4) i hate pink, i detest dresses. but i'm forced to wear one at times.
5) i love to daydream.
6) d fact tt i actually bothered to do this... ITS WEIRD (:
there you go (:
i wun torture ppl to do this okays.
see ameer, i'm a good person. unlike some ppl (:
i love d stars and d heart made up of straws (:
today's a bad day.
i really didnt wanna go home.
but i cant cause my skirt had to give way.
oh gosh. embarassing k..
grr.
shaz needs to learn to be gentle.
goshh.
i just hope 2mr's a better day.
it occurs to me that sigh God must have reasons
not to make me for you...
all i wanna do now is be alone for sometime.
oh wait. i've always been alone. (nt literally)
else, i think i'd die almost a year ago.
wah shaz damn suicidal.
uh-oh.
summer has come passed
d innocent can never last...
its wednesday. a lot happened since d last time i blogged.
study outing was my worst day.
a lot of embarassing things had to happen.
just HAD to happen i tell you.
first i was an hour late. den i had to loose things at d wrong timing.
arghh so paiseh.
k den we went to meet safwanah at tm frm changi airport.
she was working. poor thing damn tired. haha
i can tell it frm ur face (:
i watched TMNT! haha
i love d show! i swear its damn cool even though avon said its
a movie for kids. but i love it anyways.
MICHEALANGELO damn cute can! haha
had a great time laughing. wohooo.
i blew up drg training.
FELT DAMN GOOD.
i came to realise d person i've been avoiding to talk to
is actually a good person. haha so yeah she has
her irritating side but hey!
WE ALL DO.
got back chemistry block test results.
gosh it was horrible and i was counting
on at least passing judging frm d amt i studied for chemistry
and not paying attention to mathematics.
but d results were damn demoralising..
now i'm dreading maths results.
d class did badly throughout d level for chem.
i really dun wanna knw hw badly we did for maths
judgin frm what happened drg test day itself..
and frm d fact tt our class is gonna be split into 2
for maths tutorials... goshh.
even so, i love my classmates.
i think this is like a MAJOR wake up call for all of us.
i guess we'll c d change eventually..
i think i still miss you.
today's tarian pract was d best ever (:
no nothing happened DURING tarian
but its what happens after that makes me enjoy it d most.
its d FIRST time we hang out after d millions
of tarian practices tt we had.
di, aqilah, z.a, ain and me.
its d best ever. haha
thanks qilah for belanja-ing me first.
pay u back on monday aite.
anyways we talked and talked
and made fun of di with her banditto.
haha her first time eating it and she asked,
'how to eat?' hahahahahaha.
hillarious i tell you.
okay so i talked to cikgu already.
yay (:
i'm still happy (:
12:16 AM
today was SUPPOSED to be a rest day for me.
but eventful things happened. all in one day.
alright so i woke up at 7am by Avon's msg.
and went back to sleep.
woke up 5 mins after tt to compose a msg
for my 2 friends who are taking deir papers today.
and fell asleep. so tt msg is kept in my drafts.
woke up again at 8.30am, supposedly my wake up call.
but noooo i went back to sleep. and awaken again
when Avon msged me again at 11.
and then i knew, i was late for school (:
k so i had dikir and tarian.
i love d new dk song (:
dian yulaiha.
cool lah eh..
den after tt had to rush here and der.
almost didnt make it in time to send
my bro to school for his speech day but taking
2 50 solves everything. THANK GOD!
den i took an MRT back to Pasir Ris frm Eunos,
den met girlfriend and she talked me into bringing
all d shitty things i have with me to Marina Square.
and yeah we went. without me changing out of my uniform
oh goshh.
okay went to city hall marina square
(was very thankful tt its not at d esplanade)
almost d whole 2nd adc instructors were der.
D HORROR. not.
haha uncle,ben,lisa,haza, hassan,farah,cindy,d air girl,
nessar,izat,idah and me (:
haha we met at LJ. imgine all of us trying to squeeeze into
tiny seats. haha okay so me and idah were d latest.
so yeah we made dem squeeeze.
i ate my first meal of d day at ard 8pm.
(i knw hafiz is gonna scold me for tis but hehe)
den after tt we went to d link btwn millenia walk
and marina square to celebrate nessar's bday.
hahahha ben and sukhbir literally splat d cake into his face.
hahaha and coincidentally tt place had d fountain thing.
so tts where he went to wash his face. haha
thank god dey didnt push him INTO d fountain to wash his whole self.
(kinda reminds me of d bday outings i haf w my central buddies)
den we den went to millenia walk coffee bean.
farah got to work (even though its not her outlet) we got discounts
for our drinks. they made that place seems like home.
haha but i didnt stay long... haha
even though it was damn short, but i had a great time (:
more outings!
(oh how i wish a lvls was a history)
d cousins + 1 sang our hearts out.
i was thankful tt nobody called d police to complain.
nana n diq was on d guitar.
bai me and farhan just sang like crazy ppl.
we made a 60s song into a rock song.
damn cool lah.. haha (:
i had like 4 non-schooling people ard a person
wearing a uniform. kener disturb like hell.
talk abt buggers of d world uniting. d horror.
went online and saw saffy's testimonial for me.
damn sweet (:
i'll try to come dwn to d store to meet you okays.
sayang kau.
great things happen.
but of course like they say,
good things always comes to an end.
i'm sorry i wasnt there for ya.
its my fault i just left you hanging that way.
i suck big time ): again.
maybe its a sign.. sigh.
fahmi,shahril and thinesh.
sorry i didnt get to meet you guys
even though we're at d same area.
cause yeah i had a lift to woodlands.
sorry again.
sigh. why does everything be too much of a coincidence?
d world is too small a place...
any suggestions to a good place to study?
must be centralised!
just hope tt my dreams cud take away d sorrows.
seriously waiting for d time to leave.
wish it could be more than just this.
block test block test block test.
i survived it.
though i dread the results that we'd be getting.
especially for maths.
gosh, its d WORST maths paper ever.
one n a half hr after starting d paper
i was already starting to countdwn to d end of d
paper.. which was in another one and a half
hours time (:
haha today we showed class unity.
our CT came in for invigilation right on time.
can see most of us already playing with our pens
and papers.. drawing cartoons and scribbling nonsense.
haha i think our CT looked very very worried. its like
written all over her face... haha it was entertaining.
_____________________________________________________
exam week really caused me to live within my four walls
and MJ fences. seems like its been ages since i last talk
to my girlfriend. until today.
and i sounded weird. sorry dear (:
weird things has been happening.
all at d wrong timing.
anyways, as much as i want to keep this away frm myself.
i like the way we are now...
but i find it weird...
i dunno...
sigh.
i need to find myself.
soon. now?
yeah. probably a good time.
hoho. meeting d lovely people tomoro
after going for bro's speech day!
haha. wheeeeee.
hope tings would be unweird (:
Happy 18th Birthday Hafiz!
may this year be more fruitful and
a blessed one. may you find all
the happiness that you deserve and
keep smiling (:
i fell asleep while studying..
and in d middle of the whee hours of the morning
i became wide awake..
seems there's something bothering me..
and i guess... i kinda know what it is...
i'm haunted by what my dear bro (fahmi) said..
sigh. i really am obliviant towards everything thats
happening around me. sigh... i thought everyting
was just a friendly gesture. but apparently
everythings not the way it seems... omg.
i really wanna break down right now..
but i cant.. i regret tt everything had to happen.
argh.. i really didnt c it d way fahmi did.
and WHAT's HIS PROBLEM? omg.
aku pun lagi satu gebeng. i only realised whats
gg on after we book out from HQ on friday evening.
-BANGS HEAD ON D WALL-
i should seriously be more aware of things that's happening
around. ARGHH.
today onwards.. i just wanna be a better person.
a changed one is more like it..
i realised, that the thing i'm missing frm life
wont come so soon, the more i seek for it,
the further it seems.. i'm just gonna concentrate
on studies and enjoy time with my friends.
they're all that i have.. when the time comes,
the one tt i need would appear in front of me.
he'll be MY angel (:
it wun be easy though. everyone needs somebody in life.
i'm no exception. so its hard to just oversee everything.
but i must... its for my own good.
i owe this all to hafiz and zee (:
-switch to non-emo mood-
back track to friday, challenge quest..
okay so central did loose, but we've never win anyways.
so no ego is bruised..
in fourth position we have,
EAST DISTRICT.
the three year in a row champions
have been dragged down.
(imagine central drag them down during tug-of-war)
the CHAMPIONS for CHALLENGE QUEST 2007
WEST DISTRICT.
baik arh west! all the way!
hahaha.
i think all of us were being mean,
but hey, everyone began the day with the end in mind.
whatever happens, the champions for the year has to change.
and i guess...
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
d district TCOs and Specialists cant be anymore happier.
haha begining of d day sgt Brian already told us..
we were like... SET ARH.
hahaha.
highlight for central district would be
TUG-OF-WAR.
i guess i dont hafta elaborate what happens.
but it all boils down to one thing..
its not about how you play the game.
its about knowing when you're playing d game
and what game you're playing...
to lt aizat and sgt brian,
we owe it all to you guys!
esp sgt brian. haha
thanks for spending a lot of time
in d office w me, and running ard d campus
with shahril to settle everyting.
you really make a big difference in central
despite you being all new to the district.
i forsee a bright working experience btw
you and d clts (:
d day started off being damn hectic.
schools tt signed up didnt turn up
and schools tt didnt reply to any of our msgs and calls
suddenly sent their cadets down.
felt as if we had a whole course of ppl coming dwn.
so there sgt brian me shahril and fahmi
ran up and down sorting the names out and everything else.
damn hectic, and stressed up bt sgt brian is a funny person.
so distracting larh, make jokes despite d situation. thanks anyways.
i had to miss my event.
big sacrifice but it was worthwhile.
if not i think other teams would be disqualified.
it was seriously messy.
and so we thought everything was settled when lunch was nearing.
then again, another problem arise.
haha our tug-of-war participants didnt bring their no.4 uniform.
wrong admin instructions given.
PANIC.
sgt brian me shahril and fahmi all were circling d office
thinking of solutions to our problem. d time was 11.30am.
event would begin ard 1.30pm.
we had no other choice...
fahmi went home on his WR and got his uniforms down,
Lt Aizat drove the girls home with DC's car.
Ma'am Gurdip got log branch to loan us some boots.
sgt brian me and shahril kept on laughin looking at how
d situation was..
lesson learnt on friday.
so what we didnt win.
i take back with me a prize that i more important
than anything else.
a lesson about working together,
having common understanding and trusting
one another.
so yeah, we had d most pathetic no. of clts tt
came down for d event. d most senior clt there
was khalisah followed by US.
even the 52nd didnt turn up. crappy right?
but yeah we made do with what we had.
and worked together as one (:
i'm just glad friendship with fahmi and shahril
became better as d days goes by. dey really became
big brothers to me as d days goes by.
and i like working with sgt brian. haha
he's one crappy person who talks alot.
okay nt that its a bad thing. but yeah. FUN!
oh when central! oh when central!
oh when central goes marching in
i wanna be within that number...
oh when central goes marching in!
i'm super screwed for my block test.
but i'm ready to give all i have to clear this test
and start preparing for the next big test...
mid-year exams. which would be in 89 days after
blocktest..
i pray that i'd do well. amin.
i'll stay emo for d rest of d day..
and hopefully it ends der...
until d perfect time comes.. (:
if it comes that is (=
i dunno whats up with you mister.
but i mean nothing more than friendship
with ya.
going down to british council after block test.
hopefully i get to go sooner than expected (:
thanks guys for drying d tears in d heart
and helping to heal d wound. but its nt
so simple when everyday, every breathe i take,
i know i've hurt someone dearly with everything that
i've done. i know he told me that going away wun
help solve d problems... but...
goodbye..
General Paper Exam seriously
almost killed me in the process.
i think the essay that i wrote,
is the crappiest one amongst the many
essays that i've written throughout this year.
how sad? ):
the passage was on blogs.
no, its seriously not a good thing.
first passage was FINE.
but when it comes to the second one,
it was as though i'm reading someting in Greek.
not understanding what the main points were.
summary
vocabulary
application question
seriously stranggled me...
and these are the things that carries the most marks in Paper 2.
after that was chemistry..
i used to think Mr Oscar is really good at
making us feel guilty.
but this time, i trully feel guilty.
there wasnt a tone of anger in his voice.
but its a voice with dissappointment.
'what more do you want me to do?'
we're the only science class to have extra
lesson on saturdays. we dont mind these classes
cause our class really needs help. but the fact
that Mr Oscar is spending his time is something we
should think about.
Most of us didnt clear the test, only 2 out of 24
people in the class passed. and the lowest in the level
scores had to come from our class.
these classmates of mine really didnt study.
sigh. so we cant really blame him for making us feel this way.
sometimes i just wish i'm bright enough to be able to absorb
everything that is thought in lecture and be able to understand it.
just like a sponge.
when the time comes, i'm able to pen it down word for word
which would den give me my A grade.
but no, i'm far from being near there.
i was kinda demoralised by my results though
its as bad as some of my friends. but
i really did study and i wasnt able to produce
results. sniffles caught up with me,
and i went home with a cold.
as usual when stress strikes, my eyes
grew heavier and eventually i was in my dreamland.
Thank God i'm able to sleep e feeling away
and kinda get the motivation to start a new.
now, its 4:06am on tuesday morning and i'm
still up and i'm in RSM's office.
i had to finish some Nominall Roll that Idah assigned me to do.
I MISS THE WAY CENTRAL WORKS.
the bad thing abt combined camps,
is the style of working.
i seriously dont understand why people does things
the way they do, but thats not the point.
being used to the way how i was taught by my very
very very pro seniors about admin work,
it shouldnt take very long.
but oh wells..
arghh. i really miss my central people.
okay so there are people like
khalis, khalisah, hassan, audy and joseph
from central here in ADC 02'07
but its nothing like having Fahmi, Shahril,
Ping Siew, Zul and the rest.. seriously.
i forgot to bring my beret.
i cant seem to find my supernumerary badge for my no.4 uniform.
and i'm all alone in an office filled with people who are
asleep. i cant sleep now cause idah hasnt slept for
dunno how many hours, so i have to stay up and finish the
work, which i finished like 2 hours ago..
and later at 6 i need to go down to the PCs and APCs
and pass them some stuff..
i manage to spend time alone...
outside the office... just starring up into the sky.
no, there isnt any stars that i could spot.
but the sky is clear.. cloudless..
i wish i could spend sometime later after my major
exams just sitting under the velvet sky...
with people i treasure most... (:
apakah aku ditakdirkan untuk menemukan cinta?
atau sudah tertulis bagiku
bahawa aku hanya pantas untuk dijadikan
seorang teman?
aku masih tertanya pada diri,
apa sebenarnya yang aku mencari..
adakah seorang teman untuk melalui pahit getir kehidupan ini,
atau seseorang yang dapat membuatku tersenyum dari lubuk hatiku ini..
mungkin aku terlalu mengharap agar
apa yang ku impikan untuk menjadi kenyataan
hingga ia membuat diri ku buta dengan
segala apa yang berada di sekelilingku?
hingga ke saat ini
aku hanya ingin menanti untuk sebuat jawapan.
hanya apa yang aku tahu,
hati kecil ku ini akan mati jika disakiti walaupun hanya sekali lagi...
aku tidak pandai berkata-kata,
dan tidak secantik seperti teman-teman ku,
namun aku mempunyai segumpal hati yang hanya
ingin mencintai dan dicintai...
hoho. i dont think i make any sense at all.
but yeah. i kinda dont even know what i want.
neither can i dismiss this emptiness that i feel..
i wish i am able to put the thoughts and feelings
aside so i can concentrate fully on my studies..
but i guess.. i hafta learn to multi task EMOTIONS.
(:
its only 4.31am
help...
i'm suppose to be studying for my
General Paper exam tomoro.
i would have been in camp this very instance
if it wasnt for the exam i'm gonna have tomoro.
but here i am in blogging. cause i seriously have
drained out of tots, thinking abt what to study next
after reading loads of things (:
i still feel something is missing
despite the everything that is going on right now?
maybe i'm just paranoid about everything.
pessimistic is also the problem...
anyways, i'd be spending my whole week
in HQ. in my green uniform again.
for the last time till...
i dun even know whens the next time i'd be wearing the uniform.
loads of thank you to these people
my cousins + 1 - bai, siddiq,nana zul and farhan
for keeping me company throughout my parents absence.
you guys rock. and farhan and nana especially for picking me up
and dropping me off (:
( bai - FASTER CLEAR TT TP TEST!, siddiq - well, u need to be 18 first! haha)
hafiz - for keeping me company every night over the phone to make sure i'm
fine and everything else (: REALLY APPRECIATE IT. and hey, the song close is very nice
and sweet. guess why? cause its by WESTLIFE. haha (:
ameer - for giving me directions ard the OTHER side of Singapore (:
i really need the drive to study.
i just wanna be numb to all these feelings right now.
i'm not good enuf for anyone..
thats e fact, i gotta live with.
12:36 AM
i'm at the north side of singapore after so long..
staying over at cousins' place.
3 cousins and 1 adopted cousin.
i'm e lil girl at home. being protected
by four guys. not bad (:
to idah,
i'm sorry i cant be there to help ya with
e inprocessing. but just dump me with
anything arh. i'll do it for ya. promise.
i'm suppose to be studying but
i dont have e motivation to.
i dun know why.
there's something missing..
and i cant figure it out.
i missed gazing at the stars.
i wanna go to the beach
day is considered well spent.
studied in e morning with adila, nurul and shakthi.
after then, we went to reward ourselves with
a good movie bite.
'Music and Lyrics'
its a great show for people who connects love with music.
emo ppl like myself.
e movie is indeed very very funny and worth watching.
not only that the message within the movie is really
very deep.
sometimes, God grant you with people who you
need in life, not people who you want (:
hugh grant is extremely charming in this movie.
' i need an inspiration not a negotiation'
i'm still confused about things.
but Insya-Allah tomoro would be well-spent (:
more updates later.
the old wound bleeds again.
i forgot to blog abt soiree.
i went with a bunch of girls and 3 guys.
all classmates.
nurul,shakthi,yatz,nad,qis,umaira,
me,leonard,danial and fahmi + nadira
e mini class reunion as we all call it.
adi, shalini, hidd, gaby and ray were involved in e event.
e first three names mentioned, organisers.
the other 2 performers.
gaby performed with a lot of ppl for a lot of songs.
at first he played the drums.
den e guitar and finally sang.
i dunno e first song that he sang. but
the second one, he dedicated it to his gf.
e title, ' BLIND' by Lifehouse.
my favourite song.
he sang this song before in class, and it took everyone's breathe away.
well hafta admit the performance last thursday wasnt
as good as the one he performed in class, but hell yeah he was good.
irsyad and his band gave a better version of BLIND.
and he sang it well too.
overdosage of BLIND.
seriously it was a night to remember ah.
i enjoyed myself.
everything was so perfect and romantic.
if only...
haha everyone of us had that same thought, e loveables
that is... if only... -smacks shaz face-
k back frm drifting...
a lot of bands and 2 dances
even teachers performed. coolios.
but particularly one song left me in tears.
'More than Words' is the title of that song.
and yeah, like most other songs that i like,
this one, tells a particular bitter-sweet story.
i need to be strong.
keep on going and dont look back.
like i said to someone,
'the things that caused you to cry should be left along
with the tears that has trickled down your cheeks.'
its easier said than done.
i'm still bleeding inside.
i'm sorry.
the words aint suppose to come out that way.
jc3s got their results.
and meridian has done it again (:
better than the past 3 years results.
amazing.
i'm scared. i really am.
i'm doing fine now.
finally getting to live how i was like
for the past fifteen years. (:
though its emptiness inside,
i'm just looking forward to achieving my goal.
life in this world is like a dream.
hotel rwanda and blood diamond.
sometimes i think i'm very unaware of the things occuring
around me. cause my world revolves ard the country i live in
and thats that. i wake up every morning, rush to school,
cram my brains with facts and numbers, go for cca,
have fun with my friends, enjoy time with my family and things like
that.
fully unaware that at someplace else,
some people are struggling to live just to see the sun rise
for another day. to keep their families together.
these two shows that i've watched within this term,
really made me think and really appreciate the live that
i have now. alhamdulillah. coming to think abt it, my life
is almost perfect, blessed with great family, superb friends.
okay maybe i suck at finding love, but hey, no one's perfect.
but at the same time, i feel guilty now knowing that there are kids
the same age as me, suffering, lacking of love, lack of food, sometimes
being in this world all alone... seeing so many of ur loved ones killed
in front of ur very own eyes, being raped just for e fun of men...
all these and more... occuring in the very same world i'm living in..
militia and rebels all fighting for a so-called 'good cause' but at the
expense of the lives of the innocent people?
the United Nations sends in their peacekeeping force into
the country. and these people are the neutral party.
they cant shoot at them unless being shot at. other than that,
they shoot the ground. they are armed with pistols.
and the rebels, machine guns and parangs.
how do u maintain peace in that way?
what about the bigger power? can they do anything to help?
even though i think they should interfere, i think it would be
a difficult decision to make, firstly its not their country,
secondly, it doesnt affect them, thirdly, they can either make
things better or worsen the situation.
arghh. gosh i really feel
very helpless when i think of it. and trust me these are the things
that occupy my mind these past few weeks.
a good thing in a bad way.
i mean what can e bigger powers do right?
unless these people hurt their people then yeah
they have a reason to react... but..
isnt the fact that many innocent lives are killed a day,
a good enough reason for other countries to come in and interfere?
please dont get me wrong. i really feel strongly about this issue.
not to condemn anything or anyone. its purely my tots and opinions.
is what said in the movie hotel rwanda true?
' you're not even a nigger. you're an african.'
does this mean to say that this is happening due to the colour of our skins?
they are just another piece of meat not worth helping just cause
they are much darker than e rest of us... haix. but its human life that we're
talking about life. the blood that run in our veins are red, the same as theirs.
we have two eyes, one nose, one mouth. and so do they. how much different are we?
money cant make the one million life lost drg the rwanda genocide live again.
it cant buy the arms and legs that has been chopped off from their bodies..
it cant bring back the parents of the thousands of the orphans..
ironically, research has it that we human beings originated from AFRICA.
all of us. we are related in someways. due to mutation of genes and
living conditions in different places, we are who we are today..
so do we really need to compare skin colours in this situation..
argh this is so depressing. i really wish there was something i could do...
really..
footage of chaos are being filmed by journalists everywhere.
but i guess its true huh,
we watch from miles away while watching e news.
we go, ' that is so horrible' and simply just continue with our dinner.
and thats that.
seeing all these, i kinda changed a lil.
my perception of the world especially.
i know as a person on my own i wun be able to affect the world
in anyways, unless i'm a president of some huge powers.
but its not that that i want. its no use having a lot of power at hand
and still am not able to reach out to those who really needs it.
people'd rather spend money on destructive machines, machines
that would kill them eventually, den using that money to feed those
who are in need and help them survive in the world. but i guess, if everyone
thinks like this, there wont be poverty in the world today. e income gap is
so huge that it seems impossible for these countries to catch up. and sadly,
citizens of developed places arent doing all we can to help them..
then again, can we really help everyone? and how far can we help them?
sigh. if only it was that simple yeah. then i bet a lot of countries would have
reached out. i'm assuming, but hey, no one can be that heartless right?
i guess i roughly know what i wanna do and why i wanna do it...
i pray to God to give me strength and answer my prayers
and Insya-Allah, i'll be where i wanna be. Amin.
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thanks for scolding me out of thinking of death.
kinda e chain effect after seeing so many
depressing shows.
and after thinking that i've been complaining
so much when what i'm going through is nothing.
but you could spare me from the vulgarities okayy.
thanks again fahmi (:
i think i've somewhat found a reason for my existence.